Thoughts Are Guests in Your Mind: Are Negative Thoughts Holding You Back?

How to welcome productive, positive thoughts and send unhelpful negative thoughts on their way

This post was first published on my Medium blog—follow me there for the most up-to-date entries!

Remez Sasson says that thoughts are like guests in our minds, analogous to guests in our homes. This got me thinking. As the 17th century saying goes, my home is my castle. It is (or should be!) a place of safety, solace and peace; a private place where I may do as I wish. So maybe the question is, what kind of “guests” do I want in my “house?”

Into my home, I invite uplifting, positive guests who help me to grow as a human being; people who help me to move forward. Essentially, people who give me joy, or at least, people who are willing to accept any joy I might give to them. I try to shut out guests who are negative, intrusive, dramatic, and leave me feeling drained; people who make me feel stuck in their cesspool of filth or waste.

So I’m wondering: What are the “guests” I invite into my mind? Seems like it should be only positive, uplifting thoughts. Those would be thoughts such as gratitude, creativity, joy, and peace, right? But if I’m honest, I know that’s not always the case. How can I discourage my negative thoughts and encourage my positive ones?

What are my thoughts about myself?

In his book, Helmstetter describes What to Say When You Talk to Your Self. We all have an endless line of patter that can become tangential, degrading, or critical. Or, we think thoughts of self-doubt, inadequacy, and more. We often don’t give ourselves the positive reinforcement we deserve. Author Ethan Kross cites compelling research to show the same thing: chatter is very influential, and usually not to our benefit.

My good friend and fellow coach Brea Roper is a Clifton Strengths coach. If she hears negative self-talk come out of my mouth, she insists, “Those are lies straight from the pit of hell.”

Noted psychologist and researcher Steven C. Hayes, author of Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life, emphasizes that words are powerful. He explained that children don’t start having negative thoughts until after they develop an understanding of the meaning of language. (Meaning, more than simple recognition of words, such as “ball” or “grape.”) The thoughts and feelings, of course, are related to what he calls “the word machine in our heads,” which develops as soon as we have language. By extension, then, we can start developing negative perceptions or emotions.

Hayes goes on to recommend that instead of judging our thoughts, we should simply observe what we’re “hearing” from ourselves and allow that thought move on. I love the exercise where he asks us to visualize a river with several leaves afloat. He encourages readers to simply visualize putting their thought onto the leaf, and watching it float away.

Other authors and experts say that negative words create negative vibrations in a human. Yes, we are all made of matter and energy, and, like all other matter and energy on the planet, we vibrate. Negative words, such as “hate” or “ugly,” result in low vibrational energy for us. Positive words, such as “love” or “peace” or “God,” have a high vibrational energy.

But perhaps the most compelling thing I’ve ever read about “thoughts” is from Dr. Maxwell Maltz and his first book, Psycho-Cybernetics. His entire message is that our self-image (which is, of course, affected by our thoughts) is the key to our behaviors and ultimately, to our future success.

By the way, Dr. Maltz is not a psychologist; he’s a plastic surgeon. He tells the story of what happens after people have had successful plastic surgery for a scar or deformity that has impacted the way society saw them and/or how they saw themselves. Many people see the change they wanted afterward — they are more confident and it makes a big positive impact in their lives. But some others — despite viewing before and after photos — insist that they still look the same. In short, their self-image remains unchanged and hence, their life circumstances also remain unchanged.

The first step in the universal growth process is awareness. Once you become aware of your thoughts, feelings and reactions, you can better control them.

What are my thoughts about others?

It’s not just the thoughts we have about ourselves. Our thoughts about others can quickly escalate into a self-made cesspool.

An insightful quote that gets misattributed to everyone from Lao Tzu to Ralph Waldo Emerson goes:

“Watch your thoughts, they become your words; watch your words, they become your actions; watch your actions, they become your habits; watch your habits, they become your character; watch your character, it becomes your destiny.”

Hence, your thoughts create a slippery slope. Those negative thoughts put you into a negative vibe — literally — and spill over onto other people. Often, that means putting others down with your negative thoughts and spoken words.

There are several reasons why people tear down others. (If you’re already on the receiving end of that, are you wondering how to respond to those negative barbs? Here are nine suggestions for how to respond in a positive way.)

But it can be other negative stuff, too. It can be aimless chatter, gossip, and more.

Negative thoughts are bad enough if they stay in your head. They’re worse when they are aimed at others.

I’m guessing that I have more negative thoughts and say more negative words than I’d like to admit. But I asked myself why I invite these negative thoughts about others into my head. (And then let them slip out of my mouth.) What are my triggers or justifications for speaking negatively about others?

Justifying: It’s just feedback. The person didn’t do something right. They need to know.
Self-doubt: I need to elevate myself and I’m pursuing that goal in an unhelpful way. I should know full well that tearing someone else down doesn’t build me up, but when self-doubt creeps in, I’m more likely to be negative towards myself and others.
Control issues: I want to be in charge of “it,” whatever “it” is, and I somehow feel more “right” when someone else is “wrong.” And sometimes, that’s true; they are wrong! But that doesn’t mean I’m entitled to give off any negative barbs.
Outside forces: Someone else or something else got me going. It’s easy to go along for the negative ride.

Sounds ugly when I write it, or read it. Yet, I know that inviting these negative thoughts into my mind — and then speaking them to other people — is just not healthy for me or for them. I’ve invited negative guests into my home.

Moving Forward

I don’t have any immediate, bullet-proof panacea for eliminating negative thoughts and words. But here there are a few antidotes for negativity.

1. Acceptance. After awareness, the next step in the universal growth process is acceptance, not action. I accept that I get can get caught in this negative stuff. That doesn’t mean I can excuse myself. It means I can allow myself compassion for my shortcomings and remember that I am in control of my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. I can put those thoughts onto that leaf as Hayes suggests. Yes, I have triggers; it’s the old Pavlov’s dog thing. But as Steven Covey paraphrasing Dr. Rollo May reminds us:

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

Notice that Covey uses the word “response,” not reaction. Reactions are quick and often instinctual with some (or more) degree of aggression. Responses are more thoughtful. Finding that space between stimulus and response — which is basically a positive thought — helps us toss those negative thoughts out of our minds.

2. Journaling. With few exceptions, I journal each day. I write one “win” in my Full Focus Planner as I’m doing my workday shutdown routine. Then, when I get to my journal, I force myself to write three wins for the entire day. Wins need not be earth-shattering. For example, I saw a hot air balloon far above the trees only minutes after I exited from the interstate. What a sight to behold! I recorded that as a win two days ago. If I hadn’t, would I even still be thinking about it, or would that moment of joy have slipped away as suddenly as it arrived?

3. Intentional positivism. “Happiness is a mood; positivity is a mindset.” Visiting someone at a nursing home, writing a thank-you note, or calling a friend who always lifts you up is intentional positivism. (Yes, we get positive vibes from other people who emit positive vibes!)

4. Using affirmations. When you start and continue telling yourself how capable you are, how grateful you are for what you have, and how happy you are to be doing what you’re doing, it does wonders for chasing away the negative thoughts. I like the “I am” affirmations best.

Treat your thoughts as guests

Do some thinking about your thoughts as guests. Some come to the house bringing a bottle of wine and a lot of cheer. We welcome those ones with open arms and spend our time with them. Some come to complain and fill us with negative emotions. Those we might talk to on the doorstep for a moment before finding an excuse to send them on their way — or maybe we can even turn the lights off and pretend we’re not home.

We don’t always have control of what thoughts enter our heads. But we do have control over which ones we dwell on, which ones we voice, and which ones we act upon.

So curate your guest list carefully. Encourage the positive thoughts that help you, and work to bid a hasty farewell to the negative thoughts that don’t!