Do You Know if You’re Self-Sabotaging Your Positive Affirmations?

If your positive affirmations aren’t working, the rest of your self-talk might be to blame. Learn what self-sabotage looks like and what to do about it!

This post was first published on my Medium blog—follow me there for the most up-to-date entries!

You’ve probably learned how important it is to do positive affirmations. But have you done those affirmations, and later wondered why they weren’t working? Maybe it’s because you’re self-sabotaging your positive affirmations. That is, you’re giving your subconscious mind a reason to become confused about whom it’s accepting orders from: the current you, or the future, better version of yourself.

You versus you: Conflicting messages of positive and negative

There’s clear evidence that we talk to ourselves all day long. If you have any doubt about this, pick up a copy of Helmstetter’s book, What to Say When you Talk to Your Self or Ethan Kross’s book, Chatter. Kross’s book cites solidly done university-based research showing that self-talk is pretty much a continuous thing for all of us. We can’t possibly shut it off. And the self-talk (i.e., affirmations) are either positive or negative.

We usually think of “affirmations” as being positive. But when we embrace negative thoughts, we’re affirming the negative message.

Therefore, moving back and forth between positive and negative messages is a stealthy way of self-sabotaging your positive affirmations.

Here’s what happens.

One minute, you’re repeating your positive affirmations. You’re delivering positive messages to your subconscious about where you want to go (your goals) and who you want to become. You’re alone with your thoughts, and all is well.

The next minute, you’re with your clients. You’re telling them how great they are, and how good business is. They’re telling you how great you are. Your subconscious mind is seeing and hearing all this positive talk.

Several minutes later, you’re having lunch with your buddies. You’re squawking about the weather, the economy, and the latest political scandal. Your subconscious mind hears the negative banter. These are, in essence, negative affirmations.

Your subconscious mind accepts these autosuggestions and becomes confused. Your subconscious mind is saying, “Oh, you want to be the same person you’ve been for the last however-many decades. Okay. Gotcha. Standing in place or treading water is easy for me, so I will gladly accept this negative affirmation.”

Then, you repeat your positive affirmations.

Suddenly, your subconscious says, “Oh, wait! A few minutes ago, I heard you affirming negative stuff. I thought I was supposed to be holding still, wallowing in my usual negative cesspool. You’re confusing me, so I’m gonna just sit still.”

See how this is a set-up for self-sabotaging your positive affirmations?

You realize what’s happening, and you start your positive affirmations again.

But then, you have a business deal that falls through. You say, “Oh, bummer, they didn’t like my proposal. They didn’t like me. I’m not good enough to do the job.”

If you give yourself these conflicting messages all day long, your positive affirmations won’t work.

You versus you: Converting wins into losses

Sometimes, you suddenly discover something very clever or efficient. Just this morning, this happened to me. I saw how I could use Smart Folders, and I almost immediately caught myself saying, “How is it that I’ve been using a Mac for more than 30 years and I just now discovered this cool Smart Folder feature?”

What just happened here? I just turned a “win” into a “loss”. I clearly told my subconscious that I’m dumb. That I’m slow. That I’m not worth much to myself or others.

Admittedly, that was a small win. Nevertheless, it was a win, and I turned it into a loss. If you have that habit too, you’re self-sabotaging your positive affirmations.

It’s all too easy to do this with big wins, too. I landed a well-paying corporate client who is easy to work with, pays promptly, and tells me what a great job I’m doing. Yet, I can hear myself saying, “Why can’t I get five more clients just like him?”

How do we overcome these negative messages? Of course, the first step is to become aware of how we’re turning a win into a loss. The next step is to activate a conversation with our future self. It might go something like, “Wow, I’ve got proof that I can succeed in ____. What next steps can I take to facilitate the next success?”

You versus you: Double-negative message

If I’m saying, “I will not be stuck,” my subconscious just hears the word “stuck.” So it’s better to say, “I’m making a lot of forward motion today.” Or, “There’s lots of game left to play today. I can grab some wins along the way.”

I’m astonished at the number of affirmations that are floating around cyberspace with double negatives. If you’re using spaced repetitions of affirmations, either the ones you’ve made up yourself or those you’ve found in a book or on the internet, make sure they don’t have double-negatives.

I’ve seen several examples of double negative affirmations, including those from personal development experts. On the whole, I love Florence Schovel Shinn’s work, but here are a few examples of her double-negative affirmations:

“I deny loss…”
“There are no obstacles on my pathway…”
“Divine love now dissolves and dissipates every wrong decision…”

Remember, as I explained in a previous post, your subconscious is like the stage crew in a theater performance: it runs the show. So don’t let it hear these double-negative messages, or you might self-sabotage your positive affirmations.

You versus your upbringing

As kids, we got into everything! We needed our parents’ help to avoid getting killed by a speeding car or a live wire. Hence, our parents did what parents do; they kept us safe. But as youngsters, what did our well-meaning parents say to us, and what did we hear?

Don’t do that.
Stop that.
Get away from that.
You’re too little to do that.
You can’t do that.

Here’s what I got from my mother several times a day, “You don’t want to do that.” Eventually, I didn’t know what I wanted to do or not do. (It likely affected my ability to make decisions.) And “I can’t” became part of my daily vocabulary.

These early messages are still with me and with you. And beware, they are probably on auto-play, self-sabotaging your positive affirmations.

Here are three steps to overcoming these firmly ingrained messages.

First, become aware of them. Awareness is the foundation of growth.

Next, forgive and move on. We don’t have the power to undo the past, but we do have the power to forgive and ignore it.

Finally, and most importantly, choose a positive affirmation which refutes these negative messages that are self-sabotaging your positive affirmations.

That begs the question, how do we stay in the positive? One good way is to think of an “opposite.” For example, if you’re having trouble implementing or executing a plan, ask yourself if “I can’t…” is controlling your subconscious. Then, use a positive affirmation that has a big dose of “I can…” in it. Here are some examples:

“How can I…”
“I can figure out how to…”
“I can take a few minutes to finish…”

Notice, too, that although some people think that positive affirmations are equivalent to “lying to ourselves”, that’s not the case in the examples I just gave. Instead, they simply point to what we will do a little later. It’s what our future self can do.

You versus your friends and family

Our early childhood experiences aren’t the only thing influencing us.

We all have some family, friends or colleagues who insist on sitting in that toxic, stinky cesspool. They want to gripe and complain and find fault. You and I may try to move away from that, but the toxic relatives and their negative affirmations are familiar. Our old selves allow the relatives to continue doing it, and sometimes, we even join in.

So, what happens when we invite them to sit in our positive garden where there’s the lovely fragrance of flowers and the birds are singing? Oh, they’ll be reluctant to go there. They want the interaction to occur in that old, familiar stinky place. They don’t want to abandon their image of you and how they perceive you. What do we do to continue seeing our toxic relatives without leaving our positive garden? One source gives 7 tips for dealing with toxic family members.

These aren’t magic bullets, but I’ve often been successful with:

Setting clear boundaries. In her book Set Boundaries, Find Peace Nedra Glover Tawwab describes different types of boundaries, including emotional boundaries, and she gives some reasons why we are reluctant to set boundaries. Knowing why I hesitated to set boundaries about such negative conversations helped me to move out of them.
Redirecting the toxic conversation. I might give a positive spin on the same topic, or a completely jump to a different topic.
Going to my happy place. Sometimes, I just zone out while they drone on. If they notice my silence, I say I can’t comment, or I have no interest in that.

You versus the environment: The media

The environment is another source for self-sabotaging your positive affirmations.

Turn on the TV or go on social media and you’ll be bombarded with messages about the natural or man-made disasters, political squabbles, and all kinds of impending doom and gloom. It’s somewhat like hearing the old fable of Henny Penny, who has an acorn fall on her head, and she informs all her friends that the sky is falling.

Here’s what we know from medical research in 17 countries: “Physiologically, people are more triggered by negative news than positive news. Scientists see it in skin conductance levels and heart rate variability.”

Would it be too big of a leap to say that negative news sells? I think not.

Sure, some negative information helps us to prepare for something, like a hurricane. But we can be selective about what we listen to. I ask myself, “What positive action can I take here?” I cannot possibly take action on all the negative information. Hence, I try to focus on issues I feel compelled to act on, and ignore non-useful, non-actionable negative information.

Now is the time

I believe that consistently repeating positive affirmations is effective in manifesting whatever it is we’re trying to manifest. You probably believe that, too. But as you listen to your own self-talk, try to become aware of when you’re self-sabotaging your positive affirmations. Instead, see yourself in the future, and let that better, stronger, more resilient, more creative person do the self-talking, starting today.